It’s been a while since I have blogged and that’s not
because there’s a shortage of things to say. Since I last wrote,
I co-led an overnight leadership camp for 30 Guatemalan
youth.
I traveled through Nicaragua and Panama with my best friend
AND met up with my best mom and best sister in Costa Rica to celebrate
Christmas. I also edited and published a health curriculum with
this best friend and our 500 teachers. (We deserved a vacation!)
I hosted an event for International Women’s Day entitled “A
Celebration of Women Leaders and the Men Whom Support Them”. (By far the most enjoyable, successful,
and important thing that I did as a Peace Corps Volunteer.)
I met the Second Lady, Dr. Jill Biden.
The reason I haven’t written in a while is because there have been a lot of feelings about wrapping up my Peace Corps service and they have been coming and going and changing so rapidly, that it has been hard to write them down.
Over the past two years, my fellow Peace Corps Volunteers
and I have repeated to each other, “This is temporary.” The words were a comforting
promise that whatever frustration or failure was bothering us would pass
because the US government guaranteed us a ticket back home after two years of
service; irritating counterparts, lousy transportation, and stray dogs were
not welcome to follow us back.
“This is temporary. This is
temporary. This is temporary.”
However, in the past few months, the thought “This is
temporary” became more threatening than reassuring. You see, there wasn’t enough time to
finish the work that I wanted to do.
There wasn’t enough time to make Guatemala a better place for children
or a safer place for women. There
wasn’t even enough time to properly say good-bye to the people and places I had
grown to love.
So, my last months were incredibly busy and filled with
three competing and, at times, overwhelming sentiments:
1) Sadness.
You probably could have guessed this one. Endings are hard.
Even though I was not in love with Guatemala or my experience there, it
was what I knew. For two years, I
worked hard to build a life – full of friends, a stand-in family, hobbies, a
cozy house, and work. To leave all
of that life “de una vez” (all at once) was sad, to say the least. The worst was saying good-bye to my 5-year
old and 3-year old host brothers, in whose entire memory I had been around and
whom had no way to conceptualize a “forever good-bye”.
2) Guilt.
It is said that one of the first things Returned Peace Corps Volunteers
must do is deal with the guilt of an unfinished mission. Just recently an article was published
on why Guatemala is one of the worst places in the world to be a child. It felt like a slap across the
face for many of us who had just given everything we had for the past two years
to make it a better place to be a child.
At no point in time did I think I was going to “save”
Guatemala, but I thought I would feel better about my efforts. Instead, short school days, random and
frequent Guatemalan holidays, scary dogs, scarier men, and bizarre illnesses
were ready to stop my efforts at every turn. Sometimes I was able to work around those obstacles and be
effective, but more often than not, those obstacles were incredibly successful
in stagnating my work.
My plight over the past two years has been intertwined with that of Guatemala and Guatemalans. So it feels like "cheating" to just up and leave, while the people I have grown close to have no choice but to remain. How to honor my time in Guatemala, remember both the lessons I learned and the people I met, and still move forward will definitely be my biggest challenge in the months ahead. In the words of a friend, "we can't pretend that didn't happen". Although, that sometimes feel like an appealing option.
3) Readiness.
Luckily, I feel so ready for my next adventure. I squeezed every last bit of learning
and opportunity out of my 26 months in Guatemala and I want to use what I have
learned in my life back in the USA.
I also feel incredibly burnt out; in fact that might be an
understatement. I need to
recharge; luckily, I have three months of travel in South America and a summer
back home to let it all settle-in and prepare for the next challenge, whatever
that may be (i.e. I need to find a job).
I believe that “This is temporary” is the most important
lesson that I learned as a Peace Corps Volunteer. No amount of struggle or awkwardness lasts, and neither do
opportunities. If I have changed
at all in the past two years (and I hope I have) it is because I have learned
this lesson a million times over.
So, whatever feelings I may currently have about my time in Guatemala, I
know that they, too, are temporary.
I will end by sharing the words that I wrote for my close of
service “ringing of the bell”, a ceremony that Peace Corps Guatemala uses to
mark the successful completion of a Peace Corps service.
The truth is that this has been the most difficult experience of my life. However, today I feel content because I am proud of all that I have done, learned, and tried.
I am grateful for the fear, anger, and sadness that I have felt here because with these feelings, I understand more about the suffering of the world.
I am grateful for the challenges of being a woman in Guatemala, because they taught me that fighting for the rights of women is the purpose of my life.
I am grateful that my best friends in Cajolá were children because with them I learned to play and enjoy the little things in life again.
I am grateful for all of my co-workers who did not agree with my ideas because these experiences were opportunities to practice compromise.
More than anything, I am grateful for the other Volunteers. To learn, grow, play, and work with them has been the greatest honor of my life. For 100% certain, I would not be here without them.
Truly, I am not sure if I will return to Guatemala, but maybe I do not need to because Guatemala will always be in my heart and in the way that I live my life.
Thank you for sharing these experiences and your country with me.
Thank you for your support and love over the past two years. Seeing people become excited about and inspired by the same things that I was becoming excited about and inspired by was the most touching part of my service. I am so ready to get back and would love to share all of these tales IN PERSON! I can't wait to see you! XOXO
Kelley
